


Iron Will, Paper Heart

by e472318



Category: Stargate SG-1
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-30
Updated: 2018-02-01
Packaged: 2019-03-11 16:32:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 18,361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13528191
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/e472318/pseuds/e472318
Summary: How much suffering must one endure before they are incapable of feeling anything else? Pretty heavy Jack angst, and, if I can swing it, a Sam/Jack ending. Takes place S8 between Affinity and Threads, and goes AU from there.





	1. Deal

General O'Neill, Colonel Carter, and Teal'c stepped through the wormhole on P8X-323 and made their way down the steps. Daniel was urgently needed to help SG-9 negotiate a big naquadah treaty, and this mission was to follow up on signs of possible Ancient technology, so Jack volunteered to take Daniel's place. He still had quite a bit more knowledge about the Ancients than he let on, and he was anxious to get off world again. The sun was shining, the air was crisp, and there appeared to be plenty of trees. What better mission to get back on the saddle than a piece of cake job like this?

"Carter? Which way to the yellow brick road?"

She cracked a half smile, but restrained herself from further showing, or even contemplating, how pleased she was that he was joining them for this mission.

"This way, sir. The structure was about three clicks from the gate."

"Lead on, then. Teal'c, take our six."

About half way on their journey down the dirt path with thick trees lining either side of it, Jack's internal danger alarm started going wild.

"Stop."

"What is it, sir?"

"I don't know. I don't like it. Teal'c, you hear or sense anything?"

"I do not, O'Neill."

Jack looked around and found nothing, but he still couldn't shake the dread building inside of him.

"Keep an eye out. Something isn't right here. Let's go," Jack ordered them, and they resumed their journey.

When they arrived at the structure, they entered a large room with Ancient writing on the walls. As Jack was about to begin reading the walls, he heard the priming of staff weapons behind him.

Everyone turned around with their hands raised.

"I am your god, Kishar. Why have you come to my domain?" the striking woman with tanned, almost caramel skin, wavy black hair past her shoulders, and the booming, distorted voice of a Goa'uld asked them.

"Oh, for cryin' out loud. How many more of you God damn snakes are there?"

"Your insolence amuses me, human. Perhaps I will spare your life so that I might enjoy your company in other ways," Kishar purred with a leer on her face.

"Oh, if you tried and didn't kill me, then I would kill you. Sorry to spoil your plans," Jack retorted.

"I like the spirit in this one. But I like the beauty of this one," she said as she looked Sam up and down, lifting her chin with her finger.

"Jaffa! Take them."

They were marched out of the building and to another one about 15 minutes away where they were tossed into a familiar looking cell with stone walls and iron bars.

"Never gets old, huh, kids?"

"Indeed, O'Neill."

"I guess we had better start making a plan," Sam added almost nonchalantly.

Jack noticed the tone immediately. While he wanted to keep everyone calm, he didn't want them to be careless. His gut was twisted with worry about what might be ahead.

"No plan yet, Colonel. Keep your head in the game. We need to see what she wants first, anyway."

"Yes, sir."

She nodded in acknowledgement but still had a pensive, disappointed look on her face.

Moments later, the door opened.

"Our lord requires your presence. Come."

The three of them were herded into a room where Kishar sat on a chair, not quite a throne. She slowly rose to address them. Jack noticed that she was moving almost gingerly, and with very little of the arrogant, Goa'uld swagger to which he has grown accustomed to seeing.

"How many more of your people are here?"

"Thousands. A whole army. If you don't let us go, you're as good as dead."

"Gods can not die. How many more came with you?" she asked as she shoved the pain stick into Jack's chest. While his face contorted in agony, he barely made a noise, leaving Kishar looking confounded.

"Look, I'm sure you must be real hot stuff among the Goa'uld, but we have nothing to offer you. We are just explorers. We want nothing here. Just let us be on our way and we will be out of your hair."

"Of that you are wrong. You most certainly have something to offer, that of which I am in dire need. This host is failing. Without access to a sarcophagus, I can no longer keep her well. I have no use for the Jaffa that accompanied you, though he may be a worthy servant, but of you humans, one of you will be my new host. Which one of you will it be?"

No one spoke. Jack's mind was racing, wondering if there was a way out of there, and realizing that this wasn't the almost cliche 'host for my queen' request. He could see by her posture that she wasn't in good health. This Goa'uld needed a host for herself, and now, so she won't be taking 'no' for an answer.

"I will have to make the choice for you, then."

"I'll do it," Jack announced suddenly, startling Sam and Teal'c.

"You volunteer?"

"It would be my honor to serve you," Jack spat, unable to hide his distaste for the words he just spoke, but he knew without a doubt that either himself or Carter were going to be snaked, and as long as he drew breath, it wouldn't be Carter.

"You can not deceive me, human. Why would you volunteer?"

"The woman has a husband, or soon-to-be-husband waiting for her at home. She has a future, a life. I have nothing. I leave no one behind. I will be much more cooperative."

Sam let out a small gasp at his words.

"I do not require your cooperation. I will admit that your spirit and strength intrigues me, but so does her youth and beauty."

Kishar was again inspecting Sam's appearance, almost ogling her.

"I have always been partial to female hosts. I think..."

Jack realized she had already chosen Sam, probably before they even entered the room. He remembered that she didn't have a sarcophagus and thought quickly. He didn't see any zats on any of the Jaffa, only staff weapons. Kishar wasn't even wearing a hand device. He made a decision and snatched the blade from the belt of the Jaffa nearest to him and immediately pulled Sam in front of him, holding the knife to her throat. Her eyes grew wide in alarm.

"Here's the deal, Kissass. You can either let the woman and the Jaffa return through the Stargate, or I will kill her and then myself, leaving you no host."

Kishar had a look of satisfaction about her at his skill and ruthlessness. He also left her little choice. She could see in his eyes that his threat was absolutely in earnest.

"Take them to the chappa'ai."

"Keep your damn hands off of me," Jack warned the Jaffa.

The group made the trip back to the gate, Jack walking the entire way with the knife to Sam's neck. Teal'c dialed Earth and entered his IDC. As they walked up to the event horizon, one of the Jaffa grabbed Jack, so he pushed Sam through the gate before they could take her too. Then Jack was being dragged back to Kishar as the gate closed behind them.


	2. Implanted

Teal'c stepped through the gate at the SGC, followed closely by a stumbling Sam. They walked down the ramp and saw General Hammond waiting for them at the bottom.

"General Hammond, sir. What are you doing here?" Sam asked him.

"When Jack told me he was going on this mission, I figured I would come keep an eye on things for a few days. Where is he, anyway?"

"Sir, we have to go back, now. They have the General and are planning to implant him with a symbiote."

"Let's debrief immediately and see what we are dealing with. Dr. Jackson is back, so he will join us."

"Yes, sir."

Minutes later, Hammond and SG-1 were seated around the table in the briefing room.

"We were captured by a Goa'uld named Kishar. Her host is dying and she intended to take either myself or the General as her new host. Then the General grabbed a knife from one of the Jaffa and held it to my throat, threatening to kill both of us if she didn't let me and Teal'c go."

"Teal'c?" Hammond asked.

"This is an accurate account of the events, General Hammond. Kishar had indicated that she could not access a sarcophagus, and when she appeared to choose Colonel Carter for her new host, O'Neill took action. He knew that they could not revive them if he killed the both of them, so he forced the Goa'uld to choose him and free us."

Daniel's mouth hung open at this revelation. Sam just sat there deep in thought. She'd been concerned about the General lately. He had seemed almost despondent in recent months, and she had hoped getting him off world would bring some life back into him. She insisted to herself that she had no idea why it was the case, so she decided that the job must have been getting him down. But he wasn't any different on the planet, even before their capture. And now, he sacrificed himself for her again. Maybe they should have just waited for Daniel to get back before they went on the mission. She would be the one with the Goa'uld, and Jack would be safe on Earth.

"What kind of personnel did they have?" Hammond asked.

"Approximately two dozen Jaffa that we observed," Teal'c replied.

"What do we know about this Kishar?"

"Not much, General. Kishar was the ancient Mesopotamian goddess of the Earth. Her brother and husband is Anshar, the god of the sky. We can assume they would still be in league with one another, if Anshar is still around, but we really have no knowledge of them as Goa'uld. They aren't major players out there," Daniel responded.

"Sir, we don't know how much time the General has before they implant him. We have to go back," Sam pleaded in a frantic voice.

"Colonel, I know, but I can't send you back into dozens of Jaffa without backup. SG-13 just returned, so I will get them ready to go. SG-3 is due back in an hour. When they get here, you will all go get him."

"Yes, sir."

...

"You have made a wise choice, human. We will have a very, long time to grow to enjoy each others company," Kishar said to Jack.

Kishar was quite pleased with the way things played out. Jack's strength, will, and cold blooded ability to do what was necessary impressed her a great deal.

Jack, on the other hand, said nothing. His face was a blank mask.

"Jaffa, take the human. We must leave this place before the others return for him."

Everything had already been packed up during Jack's trip to and from the Stargate, so Kishar led her Jaffa back to the gate where they dialed and left, taking everything of theirs from the planet with them, including Jack.

...

"Colonel Carter, you know where to go, so take point. SG-13, keep the gate secured," Colonel Reynolds ordered.

"Yes, sir," everyone responded.

SG-1 and SG-3 took the route to the building that Sam remembered walking with Jack's knife against her throat a couple of hours ago. When they arrived at the grey, stone structure, they looked around and found no sign of any inhabitants.

"It appears that they have vacated this building and most likely the planet," Teal'c observed.

Sam was sick to her stomach. If they left the planet, they could be anywhere. Jack might not even be Jack anymore.

"That does us no good, Teal'c. Sweep the area. We have to make damn sure they aren't here before we go home," Reynolds barked.

After a couple of hours searching every building in a five mile radius, the teams found no sign of anyone present, so they began their hike back to the gate.

"We'll get him back, Sam. We can get the Tok'ra to help us find him," Daniel tried to reassure her.

Sam, however, was numb. She just nodded silently to Daniel and kept walking.

When they walked back through the gate on Earth, Hammond called them up to debrief right away. They all went over their fruitless search on the planet, and then Hammond gave them the grave news.

"I am going to do everything I can for Jack, but I already heard the rumblings from Washington. A Goa'uld with Jack's knowledge of Earth's defenses will not be tolerated. I know orders will be coming soon to kill him if we can't capture him."

Everyone at the table looked crestfallen, and SG-1 downright inconsolable.

"We've already sent word to the Tok'ra. At this point, that is all we can do. Go get your post mission checks and go home. Dismissed."

...

Meanwhile, back on Kishar's home world, Jack was locked up in another cell, his gut roiling at the thought of being snaked again. He didn't have much time for contemplation, however, as moments later, he was dragged into the throne room of her palace. He was disgusted by the typical, golden, Goa'uld opulence, but figured he'd better get used to it.

Two Jaffa held Jack right in front of Kishar. All of a sudden, her mouth opened, and the Goa'uld shot out of it, burrowing itself into Jack through his throat. Both Jack and the former host fell to the ground.


	3. Struggle

"She has not yet awoken, my lord," Kishar's first prime reported to Anshar.

"Perhaps this host was damaged, and she needs time to repair it. Leave her be for now."

"Yes, my lord."

Meanwhile, while lying on a platform in the throne room, a battle raged inside Jack's head .

_"Why do you resist our blending? It is of no use."_

_"Go to hell. Know this, I will kill you, even if I have to kill myself to do it."_

_"You have been blended before, I see. The Tok'ra Kanan. The information you hold will be very useful to me."_

Kishar was able to get bits and pieces from Jack's mind, but couldn't break through his iron grasp of control. She struggled to access his memories and was amazed by his ability to block them from her. Her relentlessness paid off though, and she finally found something she could use.

_"Your son. Such a shame what happened to him. What you allowed to happen. What you did to him."_

Kishar replayed the memory of Charlie's death over and over in Jack's mind. The loud bang of the gun shot while he was talking to Sara, rushing up the stairs to find the blood splattered on the wall, Charlie's whispered apology right before he lost consciousness in Jack's arms, all of it as vivid as the day it happened. The sharp pain in his chest was so intense that it made the Goa'uld herself hurt and wonder how much she wanted to torture herself just to break him. However, she could sense his will faltering.

_"You will give in to me, O'Neill. We can do this as long as is necessary."_

...

Sam was headed to the locker room to get changed and go home. She stayed on the base last night in case any word came from the Tok'ra, but they've heard nothing, and she had plans with Pete tonight, going to dinner to no doubt discuss more of the wedding plans. She really wasn't in the mood, but it wasn't Pete's fault, so she would go and get it over with.

She briefly wondered why the thought of discussing wedding plans with her fiancee felt like such a chore, but immediately squashed that notion.

As she was dressed and ready to go, Daniel walked in the door.

"Oh, hey, Sam."

"Hi, Daniel."

"You're leaving?"

"Yeah, I have plans with Pete tonight."

"Oh." Daniel looked surprised.

"What?"

"Nothing, I'm just surprised is all."

"Surprised about what? That I would go out to dinner with the man I'm going to marry?" she snapped at him.

Daniel seemed to deflate a bit and looked like he wanted to say more, but refrained.

"Right. Well, have fun, Sam."

Daniel turned and hurriedly left.

She wondered what that was all about, but quickly brushed it off and left for her date.

...

Hours later, Kishar was still fighting with Jack inside his mind. She had access to just about all of his memories at this point, but still couldn't take control of him. She had never seen anything like it.

_"I know all that you know now, and yet, you still fight me. Why?"_

_"I will give you nothing."_

_"I have seen all of the events in your life. Surely living with me couldn't be any worse than what you have endured without me."_

_"You're probably right. But that doesn't mean I want what you are offering either."_

_"You will succumb to me, O'Neill. My mind is much more powerful than yours."_

Kishar then started replaying the worst moments of Jack's life, one after another, in startling clarity.

He was perched in the trees just outside of Ostrava, Czechoslovakia. He was looking through the scope on his M24 sniper rifle and spotted his target pulling into the driveway of the old, grey brick house about 700 yards away. Getting out of his car was a balding, overweight, middle aged man. He was an East German spy, and Jack's orders were simple, take him out. Jack lined up the shot and squeezed the trigger, ending the life of a man that couldn't hope to threaten Jack personally. He saw the blood and brains splash out of the top of his head and the man fall face down on the concrete driveway. It was just one of many such occasions, each of which threatened to empty his knotted gut, and all of which were replayed in his mind as though they were there.

Then he was in Beirut, Lebanon, hiding in a room in the shell of a building that had been destroyed by Israeli air strikes a few years prior. A Hezbollah leader who was very outspoken against American involvement in the region was rallying support in the Lebanese capital, and Jack was sent to take him out. This man was always heavily guarded, so he was ordered to plant a bomb on his car. With the deed done, he stayed to confirm the elimination of the target. He saw the man exit his house, along with two guards and a young boy, no more than 8 or 9 years old. They all got in the car and when it started, it exploded in a ball of fire. The image of the boy's charred upper body and head leaning out of the shattered window of the flaming car was forever seared on Jack's soul, and now he was seeing it again as if it just happened.

He relived his capture and torture in Iraq. The probes connected to a car battery being shoved into his chest, back, groin, and then being sodomized with them, burning and shocking him inside and out. The branding iron being held over a roaring fire and then applied to his skin, the searing pain, the smell of his burning flesh. The guards who held him down and forced themselves on him. And finally, he remembered breaking, pleading with them to end his pitiful existence.

Charlie.

Finding Sara's divorce papers when he came home to an empty house. Realizing that he had been left behind yet again, and that he deserved it and more. That he would forever be alone, his penance for his life of death and destruction.

His experience with Ba'al. Being sliced, stabbed, burned from the inside out, and killed, only to be revived to do it all over again until he begged to be killed one final time.

Humming in the elevator.

The ring shoved under his nose. The hope that he might get a second chance at happiness being sucked out of him, replaced with a cavernous emptiness that echoed when everything that was left inside him shattered into a thousand pieces.

The wedding invitation.

With Sam humming in the background, he saw the faces of people he killed flash through his mind. A boy's burned body. Charlie's blood covering his hands and clothes.

Even Kishar was sickened by his reaction, stunned by the physical pain she caused him. His chest was so tightly clenched that he could hardly breathe. It would have been less painful to jab herself with a pain stick.

But all that mattered was that she finally began to break him down. He didn't want to fight anymore. He wanted to die. Moments later, Jack's eyes opened, and his body sat up.

"I was beginning to think this host was beyond repair," Anshar said to her.

"No, the host is fine. Just very stubborn and troublesome. It is under control."

Anshar looked alarmed to hear that it took Kishar a whole day to gain control of Jack.

"It had better be. We have work to do."

"Anshar, with the secrets my host holds, soon we will be the leaders of the System Lords. The work we do now will be as nothing."


	4. Formidable Enemy

Colonel Carter sat at her desk in her lab, and unusually, she couldn't seem to concentrate on the device in front of her. It had been ten days since the General was taken by Kishar. They have received no word from the Tok'ra or the Asgard, who were called in to help as well. She knew that she missed him, and was fighting with herself in her own mind trying not to admit how much so.

Today, she came into the mountain dragging herself around, unable to find her usual exuberance for being there. Honestly, it had been some time since the days where she woke up in the morning and couldn't wait to get to work. Those were the good old days when the Colonel would drop by her lab, get scolded for fiddling with her devices, and distract her from whatever she was working on. He would drag her to get lunch in the commissary, or just bring it to her if she refused. She suddenly realized that it had been a long time since he had done any of those things. She hadn't seen him in her lab since the day she showed him Pete's ring, and that day he was there for a report. Before that, she couldn't remember the last time he was in there. She briefly thought that maybe he couldn't after he was promoted, but it stopped long before then. Could that have anything to do with her malaise at the office these days? After a struggle, she managed to shove the thought aside.

...

During Sam's reflection, on Kishar's planet, she was in conversation with her husband about the next steps.

"According to my host, the rest of the System Lords are falling to Ba'al at a concerning rate. Our best course of action would be to attack these weakened System Lords and absorb their forces until we can take on Ba'al ourselves," Kishar posed to Anshar.

"It is a daring plan. You believe we have the personnel necessary for this?"

"I do. With the techniques I have taught them, we don't need many forces to take down each individual Goa'uld, leaving their armies to serve us."

Kishar had been teaching her Jaffa stealth techniques that she learned from Jack. No more would they be clanging around in the awkward, loud armor. Most Goa'uld were too arrogant to even consider such tactics, but Kishar had seen, through Jack, how effective they could be, especially for an outmanned opponent. She was amazed at the wealth of knowledge she had gleaned from Jack and was grateful that he forced her to take him as her host.

"Where do you plan to strike first?"

"Amaterasu. Our Jaffa in her ranks have been observing her for several days. My plan is foolproof. We are preparing and will depart shortly."

...

The next day, Hammond received word that Bra'tac has returned from his recruiting trip, so SG-1 was sent to Chulak to see what he might know about Kishar. The three of them stepped through the gate and found Bra'tac waiting for them.

"Tek'ma'te, my brother," Teal'c greeted him.

"Tek'ma'te, old friend. What are these dire circumstances to which Hammond of Texas alluded?"

"Bra'tac, General O'Neill has been taken by the Goa'uld Kishar, and is most likely her new host. Do you know anything about her?" Carter asked him.

"I haven't heard the name in many decades. She has never had any power or influence among the Goa'uld. It surprises me that she even had territory for you to stumble upon her."

"So you have no idea where her base might be?" Daniel inquired.

"I do not. I will spread word to the rest of the free Jaffa and see if we can locate O'Neill. It is imperative that we do so, and not only for his sake."

"Why do you say that?" Sam almost squeaked, her voice laced with worry.

"A Goa'uld with access to the memories of such a warrior, his tactics, thought processes, and experiences throughout the galaxy, can become very formidable very quickly. In battle with the System Lords, I would not want to have to face such a Goa'uld."

Sam's heart sunk even lower than where it usually resided these days. She didn't even consider what they might have to deal with if they found Kishar and the General. She recalled how he decimated scores of pursuing Jaffa with a few blocks of C4, a couple of grenades, and his P-90 while hiding out with the fake Lieutenant Tyler. It might not be possible to get close enough to capture him, and their orders were clear on the alternative.

"Thank you, Bra'tac. Let us know if you hear anything," she concluded.

"I will do so."

SG-1 started their walk back to the gate. Sam was walking with her head hanging, and the others just let her brood. She looked nothing like the vibrant, passionate, and dedicated officer they had known for years.

...

A shock grenade bounced through Amaterasu's Stargate, flashed brightly, and subdued the eight Jaffa standing guard. Immediately following, Kishar and over a dozen of her Jaffa stepped through and stripped anything of use off of the victims before they zatted away their bodies.

"Come, Jaffa. This way."

Kishar led them through the trees on their way toward Amaterasu's compound. They were met by the two undercover Jaffa that Kishar sent a few days ago to gather intel. The plan was for the undercover Jaffa to take into custody one of the newly arrived ones and bring him before Amaterasu, claiming he was a spy for Ba'al. While their attention was focused on that interrogation, two teams would flank the building, entering and securing each of the other two exits, while Kishar herself would sneak into the hallway to Amaterasu's quarters to finish her off.

Kishar was situated in the hallway just outside of the throne room. She heard the interrogation, and then heard the commotion of her Jaffa closing their pincer maneuver, converging on the room. She knew that Amaterasu would make her quiet exit when she knew there was trouble. Kishar extended the blade on her hand device and waited for her chance.

Moments later, she heard Amaterasu approach the hallway. As soon as she was in sight, Kishar appeared and thrust the blade right through the center of Amaterasu's neck, instantly killing host and symbiote. She took the personal shield off of the body, put it on, and entered the throne room, to find that her Jaffa had pretty much taken control of the room.

"Jaffa, kree!"

"Bring me the body of Amaterasu," she ordered her first prime, who then did so.

She sounded the alarm to summon all of the Jaffa in the area to the throne room. After enough time to get everyone there, Kishar addressed them.

"Behold the body of your fallen god. I am your true, all powerful god, and you will serve me. I alone will lead you to victory over Ba'al and the rest of the System Lords."

"Yes, my lord," the Jaffa replied in unison.

Kishar sat on the throne and looked out at her forces. She'd gained ten times as many Jaffa in the brief fight as she started the day with. She now had access to Amaterasu's ships, weapons, supplies, and territory. She was inordinately pleased with the turn her luck had taken lately.

After dismissing the Jaffa, she made her way to Amaterasu's quarters to see what treasures she could find. She entered and found a thin, pale skinned young man, not much older than a child, hiding in there.

"Who are you?" Kishar's voice boomed into the room.

"I am Or'van, lo'taur to my lord Amaterasu."

"Your lord is dead. She fell to me while you hid in here like a coward rather than die with honor for your god."

"I...I..." He was cut off when Kishar's hand device lit up and began scrambling his brain.

This caught Jack's attention immediately. He had been hiding inside of himself for most of the past week, but he quickly realized that while he was ready to die, it would never happen as long as he was still carrying the extra passenger. The good news was that she was planning major ops against other System Lords, and he had no qualms about her either killing them or being killed in the process, so he just let her do her thing.

Now, however, he looked upon this terrified kid. He couldn't have done more than serve meals to Amaterasu; he was certainly no warrior, and yet here he was, suffering by Jack's own hand. The thought of adding another harmless life to the pile of souls he'd extinguished made his stomach churn. He tried to come up with a way to stop Kishar, desperately trying to pull down his arm, to no avail. He tried focusing on stopping his brain from controlling the hand device, putting every ounce of pig-headedness he could into it.

Kishar noticed that the light from the hand device was flickering, and the lo'taur was no longer screaming. When she realized what her companion was doing, she was incensed.

_"I thought we were past this."_

_"Yes, well, I won't stop you from killing other snakes, but sometimes I have to try to keep you in line."_

_"You fool. You will do no such thing."_

Kishar wrestled control of the hand device away from him and started on Or'van again. She used to it to bring him to the edge of death, and then relented, and repeated this over and over again. His original screams became cries of horror, and eventually pleas to end his suffering. She then gave him one strong shot with the device, finally killing him.

_"You see what you have done? You will learn not to interfere where you do not belong."_

Jack had nothing to say in response. He felt her control the device, using it to bring the slave maximum pain without killing him. He felt the glee and exhilaration that she experienced from prolonging his torment. Rather than reply to her, he simply absorbed the guilt and agony from being responsible for the loss of another life. He tried to help the kid and failed. Instead, he ended up dead. "What else is new?" he thought to himself.


	5. The Fight Within

Kishar and one of her Jaffa strike teams were in a cloaked tel'tak while two of her newly acquired Ha'tak were in orbit around the planet. After taking down System Lords Amaterasu and Kali, Kishar had amassed an impressive number of ships and troops. Before going after some of the stronger System Lords, she decided to pay a visit to Belus. He was a former System Lord that long ago lost his position, but he still had considerable resources that tempted her.

Once Kishar's team had secured the rear exit to Belus' headquarters, she made her way to the ring room to cut off his escape. Then her ships opened fire, bombarding the planet's surface. As she expected, Belus came scurrying for the rings and ran right into her. She raised her hand and fired with her hand device, flinging him against the wall.

"Leaving so soon, Belus? I am surprised to find that you have such a sizable force when you do nothing with it. I will put it to much better use."

With that, Kishar shot out from the hand device again, nearly blasting him through the gold-plated wall, killing him instantly. After that, she ordered her ships to land and signaled for all of the her newly conquered troops to assemble.

Taking his place in front of the Jaffa was Jacob Carter who was undercover as a minor Goa'uld that was serving Belus.

When Kishar entered the large, garishly decorated room, Jacob turned pale and looked panicked. She knew right away who he was, and was eager to get the chance to punish him and her host at the same time. After informing the room that she was their new master, she walked up to Jacob.

"It will be my honor to serve you now, my lord," Selmac's voice sounded as insincere as the expression on Jacob's face was.

"Yes, I'm sure it will. Jaffa! Shal kek!" Kishar dismissed the Jaffa while keeping her gaze locked onto Jacob, grinning wickedly at him.

...

Sam was wandering aimlessly around the halls of the SGC late in the evening, her mind once again light years away. She should really leave, but Pete was waiting for her at home, and she had too much on her mind to contemplate why she had no desire to see her fiancée.

She just couldn't shake the discontent she had been feeling with her life . The General has been missing for over three weeks now, and she was losing the ability to deny to herself how hard it has been without him. But she was feeling that way even before he was taken. She knew that her upcoming marriage did nothing to thrill her, but she thought having a normal life with a job she loved would be the formula for happiness. Now, she felt like a typical Joe Blow did, dragging himself to work at a job he barely tolerated to put food on the table. She almost gasped at the realization she came to. This _was_ a normal life. This was what it was like. Nothing extraordinary, just normal, mundane. What the hell happened to her?

Her meandering brought her in front of the door to Teal'c's quarters. After being shaken by her thoughts, she decided she could do with talking about it, and she knew Teal'c wouldn't say much back. She knocked on the door and heard him tell her to enter. She opened it to see him in his usual kel'no'reem spot, sitting on the floor, dozens of candles lit.

"Hi, Teal'c. I'm sorry, did I interrupt you?"

"It is nothing to worry about, Colonel Carter."

"How are you doing?"

"I am well. And yourself?"

"Fine. Well, I could be better, I guess."

"Do you wish to discuss what weighs on your mind?"

She sighed. "I suppose. Teal'c, do you ever feel...underwhelmed by your life here? Like everything we have done almost doesn't mean anything anymore?"

"I, too, feel the effect of O'Neill's absence, Colonel Carter."

"What?" she squealed.

She should have known better than to talk to Teal'c. He probably knew exactly what she was thinking when she knocked on his door at 2200 hours. Next time, she decided, she will just talk to Pete. He would have no idea what she was talking about, but at least he would give her some meaningless platitude and leave her real thoughts unspoken.

"I miss the General being around, but that's not what I'm talking about, Teal'c. I was feeling this way even before he was taken by Kishar."

"Indeed. And O'Neill has been absent far longer than the 23 days he has been missing."

She gulped and wondered if he was telepathic.

...

When the room was empty except for the two of them, Jacob decided to see if he could find out what was going on.

"So, what's..."

"Kree! Rin nok, Tok'ra!"

Jacob immediately shut up as ordered.

"Kneel before your god."

When he refused, Kishar took a pain stick and stuck it in the back of his knee, bringing him down.

_"What the hell happened, Selmac?"_

_"I don't know, Jacob, but this is not good at all."_

"Why were you hiding in the ranks of Belus, Tok'ra?"

Jacob remained silent.

"My idiot host is fond of you. He believes that and his love for your daughter will give him the strength to fight me. He tries even now."

Jacob didn't know what to say to that. He long ago knew that Jack loved Sam, but what intrigued him even more was that he was fighting the Goa'uld inside him.

_"Is that even possible?"_

_"It is possible to fight, but it is impossible to win."_

"My host, in fact, chose this fate rather than subject your daughter to it. And I am most grateful that he did. Thanks to his skill and knowledge, soon, I will rule the System Lords."

_"He chose to be host to a Goa'uld to spare Sam? Holy Hannah, Selmac."_

_"You know what he is capable of doing for her, Jacob."_

"Now, Tok'ra, you will tell me what I want to know. Belus was nothing. Why would you hide among his ranks?"

Jacob still hadn't spoken a word, so Kishar pressed the pain stick into his chest, eliciting a loud moan from her prisoner. She pulled it back and then stuck it onto his throat.

...

While this was going on, Jack was frantically trying to figure out a way to stop this. He didn't bother responding to Kishar's taunts, completely focusing on the task at hand. He had learned that he was pretty much helpless trying to directly control his limbs. He needed to get control of his brain before he could do anything.

"This host is the most headstrong human I have ever encountered. Killing helps me to keep him under control. I wonder how helpful to me it will be when his own hand takes the life of the father of his beloved."

Kishar pressed the pain stick into Jacob's chest, right over his heart and held it there, not intending to release it until he was dead. After thirty seconds or so, the stick dropped from Jack's hand to the floor. Jacob looked up and saw Jack's face contorted and frozen, a war going on behind his eyes.

"Rings," Jack choked out and nodded his head to his left.

Jacob got the message and ran out of the room. He contacted the other Tok'ra on the planet and ringed to their tel'tak, making his escape. When Jacob was gone, Jack could hold on no longer, and Kishar regained control.

_"I promise you, O'Neill. You will regret that."_

...

"You're talking about since he took over the base? It's been an adjustment, but I was losing my zeal before that even."

"O'Neill has pulled back from us, from everyone, since the inception of your relationship with Pete Shanahan."

Sam's jaw dropped. She tried glaring at Teal'c, but he merely disregarded it and maintained an impassive expression.

"What!? Why would you think that?" she asked, already realizing that he was right. But she had convinced herself that he didn't feel anything for her anymore. Wouldn't he have said something?

Teal'c saw her working all of this out in her head and didn't bother answering her.

"He never said anything, Teal'c."

"Did you say something to him, Colonel Carter?"

"No, but how am I supposed to know how feels if he never talks about it?" she growled. She was getting angry now.

"O'Neill rarely uses words to convey his emotions. He uses actions. He doesn't avoid speaking because he is incapable. He does so because words mean little to him."

Her anger fled instantly and was replaced by the gnawing of guilt. She had always been terrified of a relationship with Jack. That was why she requested that they keep it in the iso room in the first place. She didn't want to sacrifice her work. She knew she would be totally consumed by her feelings, and after working so hard to be as capable and independent as any man, she didn't want to lose herself. She also didn't want to be so vulnerable. She'd been hurt by men before, but none of them could hurt her like Jack could.

Her fears led her to persuade herself that he felt nothing for her anymore and to jump into bed with Pete. Pete was safe. He probably couldn't break her heart if he tried to. And to the man that values action above any words, that must have spoken volumes.

She recalled when she first met the then Colonel, trying to wow him with her technobabble and her over-the-top bravado, but he was unimpressed until she had proven herself capable in the field. He didn't want to hear about it, he wanted to see it.

It wasn't Jack who declared his lack of feelings for her, it was her who did so to him. And if Teal'c was right, all she had done was add even more pain to the man who had already suffered more than anyone should ever have to. And worse yet, without him she didn't even enjoy the career that she thought was the key to her happiness.

"Good night, Teal'c"

"And you as well, Colonel Carter."

A weary Samantha Carter left Teal'c's quarters and made her way to her own for the night.


	6. Suffering

At 0445 the next morning, Sam awoke in her base quarters. She knew that she wouldn't get back to sleep, but had to fight with herself to get out of bed and face the mountain. One would think that she had to go plow the fields or work the coal mines rather than do the job of her dreams. She managed to take a shower and throw on a fresh set of blue BDUs before heading to the commissary for some coffee. The room was empty except for Daniel sitting at their table in the corner. She grabbed her coffee and joined him. He took in her distraught, exhausted appearance before speaking.

"Hey, Sam. Long night?"

"You could say that."

"Everything ok with Pete?"

She snapped a glare at him before returning to her gaze to her coffee cup.

"Fine, Daniel."

The guilt that was threatening to consume her was held at bay by her stubborn assertion that it was only Teal'c's opinion that the General still had feelings for her, and she decided that until she knew for sure, she wouldn't let it get to her. This time, however, she also decided that she would try to find out rather than hide from the possibility.

"Daniel, can I ask you something?"

"Sure, anything, Sam."

"You know how the General never wants to talk about anything."

"Yeah," he drawled.

"How am I suppose to know how he feels if he won't talk? Feels about me?"

Daniel's blue eyes nearly popped out of his head.

"I would guess the same way that everyone else knows how he feels about you."

"Everyone!?" she squeaked.

"Well, everyone on the base anyway."

She turned white as a ghost.

"This isn't news to you, is it? Don't worry, no one here is going to say anything to get you in trouble. Hell, we're all rooting for the two of you."

"Daniel!"

"Sam, I haven't always been around to see all of your interactions, but I've seen enough to know how attentive he is to your needs, how protective he is of things that are important to you, how protective he is of you. Besides, we've known him for a long time now. We know when it's one of Charlie's anniversaries or when he's had a rough day at the office just by his behavior, even though he won't say a word about it. It's not hard to get a read on him."

Sam just sat there dumbfounded. When she didn't say anything, Daniel continued.

"With what we do, even the most extreme acts of caring can be disguised as doing your duty. I mean, we would die for anyone else in this facility without a second thought. But what about choosing to die with someone who was trapped, as opposed to saving yourself and living without them? Or taking a Tok'ra symbiote that you never in your life wanted, only because that someone pleaded with you. Or choosing to become a prisoner in your own body, witnessing yourself do unspeakable things, helpless to stop it. And committing yourself to doing this for hundreds of years when you already carry your own burden of horrors from your own life, just to spare someone else from going through it? That's way above and beyond duty."

Sam, still silent, stared at him with remorse written all over her face. He reached across the table and put his hand on hers.

"Sam, there will be time to fix everything, but first, we have to get him back. Let's focus on that for now."

Daniel then stood and walked out of the commissary.

...

"Bring me a human family, including the women and children. Now!" Kishar shouted at her first prime.

"As you wish, my lord."

Kishar was still on Belus' planet and was hell bent on making Jack pay for letting Jacob get away. She was amazed that he had the ability to stop her actions; she didn't even know it was possible. Her goal now was to make his suffering so unbearable that he will never even consider doing it again.

A short while later, her first prime returned with a man in his thirties, a woman of around the same age, a young girl around 7 years old, and a boy about 4.

"Give me your staff weapon, and take the male away." He did as he was told.

_"O'Neill, this is what happens when you interfere. If you don't wish to see this again, you will cooperate."_

Jack was beside himself. He had gotten better at fighting her, but not nearly good enough. When Kishar aimed the staff weapon at the boy, he put everything he had into stopping her.

Kishar was aiming, but couldn't manage to pull the trigger. She tried to shake off Jack's attempts to stop her and fired, but the shot went a few feet above the child's head. This incensed Kishar, and in directing her fury at O'Neill, she took complete control again and fired a shot into the chest of each child and their mother. She then went up close to inspect the bodies, looking for the moment the life left their eyes, delighting in her handiwork.

Jack couldn't take anymore, and his reaction caused Kishar to vomit all over the floor. She wouldn't let the discomfort dissuade her though. She would do whatever it took to break this wild horse.

_"You are truly a fool, O'Neill. You think you did a good deed by helping Jacob Carter escape me. We are going to wait here for him to return with your team, your beloved, and I will kill each of them. It will be the end of you and your defiance."_

...

SG-1 was in the briefing room waiting for General Hammond to brief them on their next mission when the klaxons went off. They rushed to the control room.

"It's the Tok'ra IDC."

"Open it, Walter," Sam snapped at him, and then rushed to the gate room with the rest of her team following.

Down the ramp walked Jacob Carter. When he reached the bottom, he spoke up.

"We have to get upstairs. Who is running the show right now?"

"I am, Jake. Let's go," Hammond replied walking into the gate room. He promptly turned around and Jacob and SG-1 followed him upstairs.

"I take it you have news, Jacob."

"Oh yeah, George. You could say that."

He recapped what happened on Belus' planet, Sam watching him intensely the entire time.

"You mean to tell me that he held off the Goa'uld long enough for you to escape?" Sam asked him in awe. She remembered her run in with Jolinar and didn't believe it could be done.

"Yeah, honey. I don't know how. Selmac didn't even think it was possible."

"I didn't either."

"Do you think he's still on the planet?" Hammond inquired.

"For now, I don't know for how much longer though."

"What kind of defenses are we looking at?"

"George, I don't know what you knew about Kishar before, but forget all of it. It would pretty much be like trying to infiltrate Ba'al at this point. In less than a month she has defeated two System Lords and Belus, who had a large army of his own, and absorbed all of their ships, gear, and Jaffa."

"Bra'tac warned us of the dangers of a Goa'uld with O'Neill's tactical knowledge and familiarity of the state of the galaxy," Teal'c added.

"I'll say. This attack on Belus was much more like a Special Ops raid than any Goa'uld warfare. It makes me wonder how the hell we are going to get him out of there."

"Jacob, I'm afraid you probably won't want to join us for this one. Our standing orders are capture if possible, but to make sure the threat to Earth is eliminated, which probably means symbiote poison if we can't get close enough," Hammond told him with a grim set to his jaw.

"What the hell, George!?"

"It's not my call, Jake. You know that. Why don't we take a break? Jacob, you still have to go get checked out in the infirmary. You can all get some lunch and we will meet back here to plan out the mission at 1300. Dismissed."

...

After getting the go ahead from Dr. Brightman, Jacob headed down to Sam's lab. He walked in and found her staring off, looking like death warmed over.

"Hey, Sammie. How have things been here lately?"

"Fine, Dad."

"We'll get him back, honey. We'll find a way."

"I hope so," she replied sullenly.

Jacob was looking around the room and trying to think of a way to cheer her up when he spotted a little black jewelry box sitting on the corner of her desk. He snatched it without even thinking. He opened it and found it empty. It wasn't on her finger, so he figured it was probably on her dog tags.

"Oh God," he groaned, which startled Sam.

"What?" she snapped at him.

"When?" he asked her, not giving an inch.

"A little over four months ago."

"Why?"

She glared at him.

"Sorry. When's the big day, then?"

_"God, Selmac, He might not even want to come back here."_

"In a few weeks."

She looked like hell, and the concern was written all over Jacob's face.

"I don't think I can do it, Dad."

She was fighting back tears, so he hugged her tight.

"It's ok, Sam. You don't have to do it. If you're feeling this way, then you shouldn't do it."

"But what about Pete. He'll be crushed."

"He'll be ok, honey. Better now than at the divorce."

Suddenly they heard SG-1 and Jacob being paged to the briefing room.

"You ok?"

She nodded.

"Good. And Sam?"

"Yeah?"

"He loves you. A lot more than this Pat guy. Kishar even told me."


	7. Taking You With Me

Jacob Carter, Malthus, the other Tok'ra operative from Belus' planet, and SG-1 were riding in a tel'tak on their way to rescue the General. If their plan failed, each SGC member was carrying a vial of symbiote poison, and they were ordered to use it. Jacob insisted on going, poison or not. He would risk it since he didn't really want to be around to see what would happen to his daughter if she had to kill Jack anyway. He figured he would try to make sure it didn't come to that.

The planning for this mission was grueling. They had to try to think like Jack would, and then do the opposite. After hours of debate, they settled on a plan. They would go during daylight, as opposed to night which would be ideal for this op. They wouldn't use any of the existing entrances to the building, instead making their own with Tok'ra tunnel crystals to tunnel underneath the facility and enter in the storage room right next to Kishar's quarters. According to Malthus, every day from 1200 to 1400 hours, Kishar retired to her quarters to eat and be pampered by her lo'taurs. This was when they would make their move, disabling the servants and grabbing Kishar/Jack. Malthus would stay with the ship to pick them up when they got out. They had to hope that enough of the plan would come as a surprise for it to work. Sam had learned just about everything that she knew about field command from Jack, so they needed to count on her knowing how he might think this through.

...

The problem with that was that while Jack taught her everything she knew, he didn't teach her everything he knew. On the planet, Kishar could almost smell their plan from a mile away. No, she didn't yet know how they would get into the building, but that hardly mattered. She would be prepared either way.

When Jacob escaped using the rings, she knew that he had to have a Tok'ra accomplice on the planet, otherwise he would have just ringed up to one of her ships. Since she didn't know who it was, she had to spread disinformation to everyone. She brought over a minor Goa'uld that served Amaterasu and she knew was definitely not Tok'ra. She dyed his hair gray and cut it short. With his similar frame to Jack, he could pass for him from a distance while wearing Goa'uld robes. While this Goa'uld received the royal treatment in her quarters every day, Kishar and some of her Jaffa were hiding in two newly built, small rooms with hidden doors in the wall of her quarters. The day of the rescue, she knew this would be when and where they would come. Kishar did this exercise every day, knowing that one day soon it would be for keeps.

When SG-1 arrived at the planet, it was already 1150 hours, so they got started right away. They were dropped off in the trees about a mile away from the facility to avoid detection. Jacob pulled out the tunnel crystals and got to work. After a half an hour, they were directly under their entry point. Jacob placed the last crystal and it bored a hole into the floor of the storage room. The four of them entered the dark room, and Sam pushed the buttons to open the door. She checked and confirmed that the hallway was unoccupied, and then they made their way to the room next door, Kishar's quarters. They opened the door and saw a man in royal robes with short, grey hair facing the wall away from them being fed grapes by a young female lo'taur. They quietly entered, closing the door behind them. They zatted the three human slaves each once and took aim at the Goa'uld when he turned to face them.

"Well, that's not Jack," Daniel stated the obvious.

"Fools. My lord shows again that she is all knowing."

Unexpectedly, the group heard staff weapons prime behind them. They turned around to see that six Jaffa and Kishar had entered the room through the still opened secret passages in the wall behind them.

"SG-1. I've been expecting you, and you did not disappoint," Kishar announced to them.

"It seems that I once again have the opportunity to have you as my host, but I am more than pleased with this one. Don't worry, I have more important work for you to do," she said to Sam, lifting her chin with her finger with a smirk on Jack's face.

"And you, Tok'ra, we will get to finish what I started." She gave Jacob an evil grin.

"Take their weapons," she ordered her Jaffa. One of them held up a vial of symbiote poison.

"Symbiote poison? I am impressed. I wasn't certain that you had it in you to kill O'Neill. I'm sure he will be pleased to learn that."

Jack was, in fact, a little surprised, but he knew the score. The government would have wanted the threat to Earth removed. He just wished they had used the damn poison.

Kishar ordered her first prime and one other Jaffa to stay with her and sent the rest away with the weapons.

"Bow before your god."

Her first prime assisted them to their knees, swatting the back of their legs with his staff weapon.

"Bring the woman before me."

He did so, grabbing her by her arm and dragging her over, and then shoving her back down onto the floor.

"Samantha. Such a lovely specimen. It is a shame I have no one ready to take you as host. But that doesn't mean we can't enjoy our time together."

"Jack! Just keep fighting her. We'll get her out of you," Daniel interrupted.

"Dr. Jackson, you will be the next to die, after Samantha here. She will die first, though. After I kill her, there will be nothing left of him. He will die with her. I have taken many hosts in my life, and never have I seen such depth of devotion for another. The pitiful fool spared her father, and faced the consequences, knowing that she would never return his love. Even knowing this, knowing that no one can love someone like him, he continues to fight me. When I kill her by his own hand, his will to fight will be gone, and it will end his insolence once and for all."

Kishar could see the moisture shimmering in her big, blue eyes, and her struggle to keep it from being released.

Jack was humiliated, desolate, disgusted with himself. Kishar was wrong about at least one thing; he won't die with Sam. He died long before today. But he couldn't bear watching this, so he would do the only thing he knew how to do and try to free them.

Kishar raised her hand device over Sam's face and activated it. She winced in pain and grit her teeth. After several seconds, the device started flickering. She looked up awestruck by the struggle on Jack's face.

_"I can not wait to feel your agony after she lies dead at your feet, O'Neill."_

Kishar's burning hatred of O'Neill strengthened her, and Jack's eyes flashed when she took over again, resuming with the hand device, Sam's face contorting in pain. His eyes flashed again, and the light on the device grew brighter, the intensity magnified, making Sam cry out in anguish.

That was all Jack could handle, and he tried every trick he had discovered during his time with Kishar to try and stop her, stubbornly forcing his way back into his brain. The device cut off immediately, but his hand remained hovering above her forehead.

Sam looked up again, straight into his eyes. The usual dark brown irises were now swirling with lighter browns and golds mixed in. She did nothing but stare in open mouthed amazement at his defiance of the Goa'uld within him.

_"You know you can not win, O'Neill."_

_"I know, but you can lose with me."  
_

Suddenly, a blade snapped out of the top of the hand device. Sam's eyes were huge now, the terror plain for all to see. Jack's hand began rising away from Sam, shaking from his internal battle as he strained to pull it back.

_"I'll see you in hell, Kishar."_

With a quick thrust Jack plunged the blade into his own neck, right where it met the left shoulder. He immediately crumpled to the floor, his hand yanking the knife out when he hit the ground, his blood pooling underneath his head on the shiny, black tile floor.


	8. Living Dead

While Jack was lying there lifelessly, Kishar's two Jaffa were floored, stuck in place with their mouths hanging open. Teal'c saw the opportunity and punched one of them in the face and flipped him to the ground. He took the zat from his side and subdued him while Jacob took care of the other Jaffa in a similar fashion. Sam was immediately at Jack's side, tears rolling down her cheeks.

"He's alive, Dad, but barely. We have to take him with us. Teal'c, after I dress this wound, you carry the General."

She took Teal'c's zat, and he lifted the General off of the floor. She and her father made sure the hallway was clear before the group made their escape through the Tok'ra tunnel. After a frantic race through the mile long tunnel, they were ringed aboard Malthus' tel'tak.

"The healing device, Malthus," Selmac ordered him.

She held the device over Jack's neck wound.

"The damage is much too severe for a hand device to treat. I am sorry."

All of SG-1 looked stricken.

"There must be something we can do," Sam pleaded.

"All I can think of would be a sarcophagus, and not only do we not have access to one, but I do not believe O'Neill would approve of using it," Selmac answered her.

"Why isn't he dead yet? I mean, it happened almost a half hour ago now," Daniel asked.

"I do not know. It may be that the Goa'uld keeps him alive, but I'm certain the symbiote is damaged as well. I don't know how long it can maintain him."

"I guess our best chance is to get back to Earth and check him out. Malthus, you have your GDO, right?" Jacob asked.

"I do."

"Good, let's get to the closest planet with a Stargate then."

Sam just sat there on the floor with her knees pulled into her chest. She thought about Kishar's revolting speech before using the hand device on her. The tightening in her chest was almost painful, and it took everything she had not to cry out at Jack's pain. She also got her answer about Jack's feelings right from the horse's mouth, even if the horse wasn't the one who said the words.

A few hours later, the group, minus Malthus who stayed behind with the tel'tak, walked through the Earth's Stargate with Teal'c and Jacob carrying Jack on a stretcher. He was immediately taken away by a med team, followed closely behind by Jacob and SG-1. After they treated his stab wound and examined him, Dr. Brightman brought everyone the news.

"The knife almost, but not quite, completely severed his spine between the C6 and C7 vertebrae. It also basically cut the symbiote into two pieces. As for the symbiote, we know they can survive this, but I don't know how it would handle that while also repairing a serious spinal injury. Where the General is concerned, it's really going to be up to the symbiote as to his recovery. If left up to our medicine, there is a small chance that we might be able to repair the injury enough for him to gain back some function lower body function. He would almost certainly never walk again. There would also be other unforeseen complications from this that we won't know about until he is awake to recognize them. Our best bet is to hope for some outside help, either from the Goa'uld inside him or someone else. Honestly, without it, he probably won't make it at all."

It was a somber bunch that went to see Hammond to debrief.

...

Later that night, Sam was sitting next to Jack's bed in the infirmary. It was after 0200 hours, so it was empty except for a nurse who checked in every so often. She sat there staring at him with unshed tears glistening in her eyes, contemplating the hell he must have gone through with Kishar and the hell she, herself, put him through.

All she had to do was ask him if he still had feelings for her and she never would have given Pete a second thought, or even a first. Really, all she had to do was open her eyes and she wouldn't have even had to ask. But her fears caused her to pile on to his torment, and even if he survived this injury, she didn't know if he would recover from the latest tragedy he'd endured. She was startled from her musings by a disturbingly familiar voice.

"Why are you not at home with your betrothed? O'Neill will not be going anywhere anytime soon," Kishar mocked her.

She was ashamed that she had forgotten all about Pete, hadn't even told him she was back from off world. She also felt a jolt of pain in her heart that she even needed to consider Pete.

"This bumbling imbecile tried to kill us both, but in his struggle with me, he missed with his mark with the blade."

"What do you want?"

"My release. And you will grant it to me. I am the only one that can heal O'Neill, and I will not do it in here."

"Go to hell," Sam spat at her and retreated to her quarters.

...

Early the next morning, Malthus contacted them, telling them that they located a sarcophagus.

"Easier to ask for forgiveness than permission, right?" Jacob chimed in.

"Somehow, I don't think the General will be in a real forgiving mood," Sam noted despondently.

"Well, I doubt he wants to lie there with Kishar holding him hostage. We need to get her out of him, but if we do, he probably won't make it. And if he does, he sure as hell won't want to live in the condition he'll be in."

"What's the plan, Jacob?" Hammond inquired.

Jacob told them that Anshar had gone to Belus' planet for the time being, so Amaterasu's sarcophagus would be as lightly guarded as it ever would be. They were going to use the Tok'ra crystals again to get in to the building, so they should meet little resistance. Then they would remove Kishar and immediately put Jack inside.

"Ok, SG-1, you have a go."

...

This time, their infiltration went according to plan. They met only two Jaffa on their way to the room that held the sarcophagus, which Sam and Daniel zatted away without any trouble while Teal'c carried Jack. They made sure he was heavily sedated, one to try to spare him any pain from the trip, and also to never have to speak to Kishar again. Once there, Teal'c and Sam guarded the door while Jacob removed Kishar and deposited Jack into the chamber.

After a good fifteen minutes, the doors on top of the sarcophagus slid open and Jack jerked up into a seated position immediately. He looked with wide eyes shifting around the room, wondering where he was. The first thing he noticed was that his mind was his own again. He didn't have any company in there. Then he remembered the entire experience with Kishar and felt like a truck was parked on his chest. He slowly rose to his feet and stepped out of the enclosure.

"Hey, Jack. Good to see you again," Jacob greeted him.

Jack simply nodded. His eyes were empty, his face stoic with no expression at all. He moved around deliberately, like he had no energy left in him.

"Sir, we have to go. We don't want to be around when the cavalry shows up," Sam told him.

He acknowledged her with a look, and they made their escape through the tunnel entering the room down the hall.

...

The atmosphere on the flight back was thick with various emotions. The relief that he was free of Kishar, as well as the worry about his mental state was palpable from all of them.

Jack showed no emotion. In fact, he felt no emotion, felt nothing at all. He simply existed there because they wouldn't let him stop breathing, but that was the only difference between himself and a corpse. He didn't speak a single word the entire trip back to Earth.

When they returned to the SGC, Jack was checked out by Dr. Brightman and given a clean bill of health physically. Psychologically was another story, but that could wait for the moment. SG-1 joined Jack and Hammond in the briefing room to hear the whole story.

Jack retold the events from the beginning. His voice was cold and dead. It had everyone in the room looking at each other in concern. He told of how he was taken by Kishar, her plans to take over the System Lords, that she never disclosed anything about Earth's security to anyone else, wanting to keep that ace in the hole for herself. He was completely forthcoming with every detail, which shocked the others. He always watered down his reports to hide or gloss over his personal traumas, but not this time. He didn't see the need anymore. He told of the young lo'taur she killed, the mother and young children she blew away with a staff weapon because of his defiance, the other needless deaths and destruction she committed with his assistance.

A couple of tears ran down Sam's face during his account of the events, and she looked nauseous.

"Jack, we can hold down the fort here for a bit longer. Take a couple of weeks to get yourself together. Dismissed." Hammond ended the debriefing.

"Jack, you want to get together with the team tonight? Catch up?" Daniel asked him, his voice full of disquiet.

"We just caught up, Daniel. You know what I've been up to. I'm really not feeling up to it tonight. Thanks, though." Jack's sullen reply echoed in the room.

"Ok, well, call me if you need anything. It really is good to have you back."

He just nodded and began his methodical walk to the door. The crowd dispersed, going their separate ways. Sam went home to have a long overdue conversation with Pete. Daniel went to his lab, Teal'c to his quarters. Jack went to his locker and packed everything away in his bag. He then went back to his office to see Hammond.

"Jack, I'm glad you made it back, son. I'm serious about taking some time, though. You are going to need to be cleared by a psych evaluation to get back to active duty," Hammond informed him.

"That won't be necessary, sir. Tell MacKenzie to kiss my ass for me."

Jack asked Hammond to move back and he reached into the top drawer of his desk, pulling out an envelope. He handed it to the three star General.

"What's this, Jack?"

"My resignation. No, I won't reconsider. If they don't accept it, they can consider me AWOL. And it will be a cold day in hell before I get in front of MacKenzie or any shrink to try to get my job back. Whoever wants it can have it."

Hammond gave him a concerned look.

"I'll do what I can, Jack."

"I know, George. Thank you."

With that, Jack grabbed his bag, left Hammond's office, and made his way out of the mountain one final time.


	9. The Talk

Samantha Carter pulled into the gravel driveway of the cabin that she had avoided for so many years. It had been almost two weeks since the General disappeared without a word to anyone. He outright refused a psych evaluation and was given his retirement, Sam, like everyone else, had learned through the grapevine a few days ago.

After she broke things off with Pete, she dove back into her work, trying to push past the self-reproach she felt for her treatment of Jack and Pete. She also wanted to give Jack some time before confronting him, giving him a chance to get settled back into his own mind, knowing what that was like after her experience with Jolinar. They had all assumed that he took a couple of weeks leave and was going to be back to work. When they learned that he had no intention of ever coming back, she immediately grew worried, took some leave of her own, and headed up north.

As terrified as she was of the conversation she planned to have with him, she was almost as frightened of what condition she might find him in. She recalled his debriefing after being freed from Kishar. At the time, she had to fight herself to keep from breaking down in front of everyone in the room. When she thought about what it must have been like for him while Kishar killed those children, her stomach twisted in knots all over again. His life had been full of horrors and heartbreak, and the experience with Kishar could have easily been the final straw. That she personally did nothing but add to that burden on his battered heart crushed her.

It was a mild, sunny autumn day in Minnesota, so she figured he would probably be out by the pond. She got out of her rental car and walked to the back of the cabin. She spotted him right away, sitting on a chair on his little dock. As she approached him, the scene shook her to the core. He was unconscious, leaning back with his head flopped backwards over the top of the chair. On the dock to his right were two empty Jack Daniels bottles. To the left was his Beretta. She calmed down a bit when she realized he was unharmed. She crept up next to him and grabbed the pistol, put the safety back on, and tossed it back into the grass.

When the gun hit the ground, ruffling the grass behind him, Jack's bloodshot eyes snapped open. He looked to his left and saw her standing there just staring at him. He shook his head and blinked his eyes a few times before looking at her again. He then reached down for his bottle of Jack, instead picking up two empty bottles.

"Maybe I overdid it a bit this time," he mumbled to himself, inspecting both bottles.

"Overdid what?" she asked him.

His head jerked toward her with his eyebrows raised above his lifeless, red eyes.

"My hallucinations don't usually talk to me. Either I'm even more screwed up than I thought, or you're really here."

"I'm really here, sir."

"Carter, I don't know if you've noticed, but I haven't been anyone's 'sir' for a while now."

"Fine, Jack, then you call me Sam."

"Carter, what are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be getting married any day now?"

She saw the pain in his eyes intensify when he said the word, noticing that he wasn't even bothering to hide it anymore. His voice was gruff, yet dull and monotone. It sounded like he looked. Everything he had been through in life weighed heavily upon him, and he was so close to the edge, he might have already gone over it.

"No, there isn't going to be a wedding."

"Oh. That still doesn't answer my first question. Why are you here?"

"I wanted to see you."

"I'm not much company at the moment, Carter."

"I wanted to apologize to you." She stopped and fought back tears. "I'm so sorry, Jack."

"For what? You didn't do anything wrong."

"I hurt you. On top of everything you've been through, all I've done is add more pain."

He sighed. "Sam, listen. I was hurt, but that's not your fault, it's mine. It's my problem. I'm not angry with you. You can't help who you do and don't fall in love with."

She took a deep breath. "It's you that I'm in love with, Jack."

The shock on his face was clear, even if his eyes were dead.

"No you're not," he replied matter-of-factly with no inflection in his voice.

"You know better than I do?" she shot back.

"What, you just realized this?"

"No, Jack. I've been in love with you for years."

"If you've been in love with me for years, then what was Pete?"

His voice was still flat and gloomy. Sam was expecting some kind of emotion from the man. She wished that he would get mad. Not only did she deserve it, but it would let her know that he was still alive.

"I didn't think you felt that way about me anymore."

He raised an eyebrow before answering.

"You decided this without any input from me. You assumed I didn't feel that way. So why are you here? Can't you just assume whatever you want to from home?"

"I tried to talk to you about it."

"When was that?"

"On the tel'tak, after you had the Ancient download."

"That was quite a while after you started with him. I wondered at the time if that might be what you wanted. I guessed it was either that or 'it was an honor to serve', neither of which I needed to hear at the time. I was dying, and you had your man waiting for you at home. I can promise that we would never, ever have had that conversation under those circumstances. Since Pete was still around when I got back, I figured it was option number two and thought nothing else of it."

"I also tried to talk about it when I showed you Pete's ring."

"Really? I barely remember any of the conversation. It was all I could do not to puke all over your lab. The fact that you were even considering it told me all I wanted to know, and I certainly wasn't in the mood to discuss it further."

It dawned on her that they had talked about it, in O'Neill-speak. No words, just deeds. She gave him his answers without even knowing that he asked the questions.

"It's not like you said anything to me about it."

"I was your commanding officer. What should I have done? Left you roses in your locker? Taken you on your desk? Or would Hammond's desk have been better? I tried to do little things to show you that I cared without jeopardizing your career, but maybe I screwed that up too. What the hell do I know?

If you need to know how to drag out the pain and anguish before killing someone, I'm your man. If you need to know how to wake up in the morning after slaughtering innocent women and children, my own son included, then that's easy. You get up because you deserve the never ending hell you will suffer until the next time you mercifully lose consciousness. That's what I can do. If you need me to spell out how I'm feeling to have any clue about it, then I can't help you."

She finally got a reaction out of him, but the despair and self loathing wasn't what she had in mind. The pain in his voice almost did her in. She knew this wouldn't be easy, but now she was hoping it wasn't impossible. She was going to have to bear her soul to try to get through to him.

"I was scared," Sam blurted out.

"Of what? Me?"

"I was scared of losing myself. I've always been an Air Force brat, or cadet, or officer first, everything else second. If we ever got together, I was afraid of that losing priority in my life, or even losing it altogether."

He just stared back blankly. She wondered if he was even listening.

"I was also scared of the way you could destroy me if things didn't work out."

"Yes, well, it isn't fun. And if there's one thing I'm good at, it's destruction."

"I was an idiot. I rationalized to myself that it was the job that made me happy, and I couldn't give that up for you, so I went and found Pete. He couldn't hurt me like you could, so it was an easy sell to myself. But it turns out it wasn't the job that made me happy. It was working with you that did, being around you. When you were gone, I didn't even want to go to work."

"Carter, missing me when I was MIA is no reason to overturn your life. Maybe you should let things settle down before you decide that your priorities were wrong."

She was amazed at how stubborn the man could be while still showing no signs of fight in him. He refused to believe what she was saying, and really, she couldn't blame him. She'd never done anything to give him a reason to believe her.

"It wasn't just when you were missing, Jack. It was after you got back, too. Really, it's been ever since you took over the base and you weren't around every day, always occupied with everything else going on. I took a couple of weeks leave to come up here. When is the last time I did that?"

"Sam, whatever the case may be, even if I were to buy all of this, I still don't know what you want from me. Before, I was a hard hearted, old bastard that was nowhere near good enough for you, but at least I could function as a human being. Now, you should be scraping me off of the bottom of your boot. I have nothing to offer you. There is no possible way I could ever make anyone happy, least of all you."

"Jack, you don't have to do anything. Being with you, spending time with you makes me happy. I'm not trying to rush into something here, we both need time. But let me be here for you. I know you don't believe my words. Let me show you."

"Ok, but don't say I didn't warn you."

She went and grabbed another chair and brought it next to his on the dock. She threw aside the liquor bottles, set it down, and sat beside him.

"So this is the infamous cabin, huh? It's beautiful out here."

"I'm glad you finally came to see it."

She immediately felt a pang for rejecting his invitations over the years.

"I really am sorry, Jack. About everything."

"Sam, I'm sorry too. Let's not dwell on it any more."

They leaned back in their chairs and were silent for a few moments, regrouping after the emotionally exhausting discussion. Then Sam, feeling the weight lifted off of her after getting all of that out in the open, broke the silence.

"I'm getting hungry, and you look like you haven't eaten, well, in a long time. You want me to make something?"

He looked at her with eyebrows raised high.

"You? I think I'm better off going without."

She chuckled softly. "Jack, I can make a sandwich or something. I've fed myself for a long time now."

"There isn't any food here anyway. Let's go make some coffee, and when I sober up a bit more, we can run into town."

"Sounds like a plan."


	10. Clearing the Air

Later that evening, they were sitting on the couch in silence. Sam knew this would be the fight of her life, but she underestimated the devastation that she would find when she got here. Jack didn't throw her out, for which she was grateful, but he certainly wasn't making conversation easy either. She noticed him sitting there staring straight ahead. She wished she knew what to say to help him, but regardless, she was determined to be there for him, to prove to him that he could trust her words of love.

"I know you probably don't want to talk about it, but I want you to know that if you do, I'm here to listen," she told him.

"Talk about what? Kishar? You already know everything there is to know about it."

"Not what's going through your mind."

He gave her an incredulous look.

"Are you really that interested? Do you want to hear what it was like to actually feel Kishar's elation at taking innocent lives? Do you want to hear that I'm wondering how in the hell I could save you and Jacob, but not those kids and their mother!?" Jack's voice gradually increased to a shout.

Sam was wondering if this was a good thing or not. He sounded alive at least.

"When Kishar killed those kids, she looked right at them waiting for the moment that their life left their eyes. And do you know what it felt like? Physically, with the endorphins she set off in me, it felt like I had won the lottery! Like I'd done something wonderful! After that, I wanted nothing more than to die. I don't deserve to take another breath! But I don't deserve the release of death yet either," he spat bitterly.

Tears were rolling down Sam's face while she listened to his heart wrenching account.

"I was able to fight her enough to save Jacob, and then you and the team. But I couldn't save them. Why!? Did I really want them to die deep down? I mean, I've killed children before, without a snake in my neck. And not just Charlie."

His voice trailed off as quickly as it rose.

"You know, a long time ago, I was on a mission. I can't tell you where, but I was to take out a target that was constantly under heavy guard. Since I would never be able to get a clean shot without giving away my position, I was ordered to plant a bomb on his car. I watched as the target and his young son got in the car and were blown away. I saw the kid's burned body hanging out of the window. Kishar had a good time showing it to me over and over again."

"Oh, God," Sam sobbed, unable to keep her composure any more.

Jack got up and started pacing.

"What the hell are you doing here, Carter!?" he yelled, his face twisted in anguish.

"Go home and make up with the cop. He doesn't murder children. He doesn't kill in cold blood and enjoy the thrill. He deserves someone like you a hell of a lot more than I do."

She walked up to him and wrapped her arms tightly around him, burying her face in his neck, bawling her eyes out.

"I'm not going anywhere, Jack. I'm so sorry. You are such a great man, it's awful what you've had to go through," she stammered.

He just held her in his arms for a while. When she was done crying, they sat back down on the couch.

"Thank you," his rough, gravelly voice whispered to her.

She just nodded, continuing to dab her eyes with her shirt sleeves.

"You can take the bedroom. It's more comfortable, and I don't sleep anyway."

She stood and walked to the door where she had left her bag. She grabbed it and headed upstairs for the night.

...

Early the next morning, Jack was walking back to the cabin after a run on the trail through the woods. As he approached, he saw Sam standing just outside the back door with a look of wonder on her face. He turned to see what she was looking at. The sun was just rising over the orange, red, and yellow leaves on the oak trees in the crisp autumn morning. He figured it would do himself well to appreciate such things again instead of taking them for granted, but he was too caught up looking at Sam. Seeing her stunning blue eyes wide and lit up like that had always warmed his heart, and apparently now was no exception, even when he had no heart left.

He walked up to her, breaking her out of her reverie.

"I always thought you would like it here, despite the lack of doohickeys to keep you occupied."

She snorted at him. "You're more than enough to keep me occupied."

"Since you're here, I might as well show you around the place, if you feel up to a hike."

"Sure, after coffee."

...

Later in the day, well after they returned from the tour of the area around the lake not far from the cabin, Sam noticed that Jack seemed a little better today. He was still a mess, but she thought maybe they should talk a bit more about their relationship now that he wasn't as depressed and morbid. She had questions, and she knew that if anything was going to work between them, they still had more to deal with than they discussed yesterday. They sat down on the couch and Sam jumped right in, her gut clenched with worry about his reactions.

"Jack, can I ask you something?"

"Uh, okay."

"Why didn't you ever tell me about how you feel about me? I've had Teal'c, Daniel, and even my father tell me how you feel, but not you."

"Well I didn't tell them either. If Teal'c, Daniel, and your father knew, did I need to tell you?"

She swallowed her irritation, as well as a new batch of guilt, trying to keep this conversation from getting out of hand. The she calmly replied.

"Yes, Jack. Something like that I would want to hear from you."

"Why? What difference would it have made?"

"What difference would it have made!? I wouldn't have even returned Pete's first phone call."

"Well, then that's a good reason for me not to have said anything."

"What?"

"Sam, what did you want me to say? I love you, please wait for me even though I'll probably be dead before this war is over and they finally let me retire?"

"Well, maybe not quite like that."

"So great, I ask you to wait, and then what? You resent me because you missed out on a relationship with Pete while I'm still your commanding officer and can't even take you out for a cup of coffee? You obviously wanted to return his call. You obviously wanted to date him. You obviously wanted to marry him at some point. No one forced you to do those things. If you wanted to wait, you could have waited. I wasn't going anywhere. I haven't been on a date since I was married and my son was alive. You're a big girl and can make your own decisions."

"I wouldn't have resented you. I just would have wanted to know there something waiting for me. You could have said something."

"Sam, I don't say things. I do things. My whole life has been lived in lies and shadows. I can make anyone believe anything I want them to. I know how worthless words are. Maybe I didn't do enough to show you. Or maybe you didn't want to see it anyway. I don't see why it matters now. You know everything now."

She cringed when he suggested that she didn't want to see it. He read her like a book.

"Jack, it matters because I feel awful for hurting you, and I want you to know why I did it. I also thought that if you still felt something for me that you would fight for me, but you never did."

This finally got a strong reaction out of him, his haunted face now showing a pained expression.

"I didn't fight for you? Every God damned snake I killed I did it because it was one step closer to retirement and having a shot with you," he snapped.

The misery on his face broke her heart, and her reply was much softer.

"I know, Jack. That's not what I meant though."

"You mean Shanahan? Should I have laid him out? Would you have come running into my arms?"

She shook her head, but he continued before she could speak.

"I know what you mean, Carter. You mean you. I should have fought you. And that's something I don't and will never do. I would kill anyone who would hurt you. I would fight for you until my dying breath. But why in the hell should I have to fight you? If you want to be here, I'm here. If you don't, there's the door. Whether it makes me miserable or not, I won't tell you how to live your life."

She just sat there silently, digesting his words. He wouldn't tell her how to live her life, even if it cut him to the quick. And he was absolutely right that he shouldn't have to fight her stubborn denial. His own happiness was a secondary concern to hers. If he was going to be happy, she would have to make the decision to do that for him.

His was the ultimate display of selfless love. Giving but never asking to get it back. It was up to her to give it back or not. Tears rolled down her cheeks as she came to the realization.

"Jack, I'm sorry. You don't have to fight me anymore."

She buried her face in her hands until Jack scooted next to her on the couch and wrapped his arm around her. He just held her until she got herself together again.

"I love you so much, and you never have to worry about me putting you through that again."

"Sam, relax. I love you too. And I get it. I'm not angry with you. If I had said something before, maybe we could have avoided this, but then we might have other problems to deal with. I'm fine with the way things are now."


	11. Pulling Him Back

The next morning, Jack woke up and remembered the conversation from last night. He had actually slept a few hours, so maybe all of the talking was therapeutic, who knows. He just knew that he while he was talking to Sam, his own problems were pushed to the background. Now, in the light of day, he hoped he didn't lead her to believe that he was fine and ready to have a relationship. He meant every word he said last night, but now with the weight of the rest of life constricting his chest, he didn't know if he would ever be ready for anything but a coffin.

It felt so good to hold her in his arms like he always wanted to, but he didn't deserve it at all. And she didn't deserve to be saddled with a bitter old butcher like him. But he couldn't bear hurting her now, so he wondered how he could convince her that she would be better off leaving him to his own hell and finding someone that is more deserving of her.

...

Sam and Jack ambled along a handmade trail in the woods, for the most part in silence, just taking in the scenery and the clean, unblemished air. Jack would point out various places to her where times and events in his life took place. The lake where he has actually caught fish, the waterfall where he would play as a kid, the tree where he, and eventually Charlie, learned how to climb. Sam was astonished at how openly Jack has spoken to her since she arrived. She figured that he always kept so much about him a secret to protect himself. To keep people from knowing so much that they could judge him, or that he would need them. She didn't know if she should be flattered or frightened that he was sharing all of this with her. He might not feel that it's worth the effort to protect himself anymore. Either way, she would take advantage while he was being forthcoming and try to learn as much as she could about the man, hopefully finding a way to help him.

"You know, before I came up here, I thought this place would be too much like our missions to be a vacation. But the serenity and untouched beauty is remarkable. You can't help but relax out here," she commented while they continued their leisurely stroll.

"It's the only place I can go where no one dies and no one is trying to kill you. For a long time now, I've needed to know places like that still exist."

She gave him a loving look and linked her arm with his as they walked.

...

They spent the next two weeks in a similar fashion. Exploring his land, relaxing, and talking. He was still talking to her, telling her things she figured he never would have before. He told her about Sara, how he couldn't even look at her after he killed their son and let her down so badly. How when he got the divorce papers, he knew he deserved it, and deserved to be alone for the rest of his life. He told her about Iraq. She had never cried so much in her life, and she couldn't believe he was still alive even before the incident with Kishar. His will to fight and survive was unfathomable.

This also brought the guilt rising in her again. As hard as these two weeks have been at times, they had also been the most calming and wonderful two weeks she'd had in years. Just his presence was enough for her to enjoy herself, while he seemingly did nothing but suffer the entire time. She didn't deserve him, and for all of her trying to convince him that he could make her happy, she wondered if she could even do the same for him.

"You all packed?" Jack asked her.

"Pretty much. I've got quite a drive to the airport, so I'd better get going soon."

"Thank you for coming, Sam. You don't know what it means to me."

"Jack, as difficult as it's been, it's been amazing, too. Don't thank me. I loved spending time with you. I wish you were coming back to the Springs."

"You're just aching to get me back in your chain of command, huh?"

She glared at him.

"I said the Springs, not the SGC. I just...I'll miss you. I wasn't lying when I said that being around you makes me happy. I just wish I could return the favor," she answered, her voice trailing off solemnly at the end.

"Sam, you don't get it, and that's probably my fault since I never told you. When we met, I was dead inside. On the first Abydos mission, Daniel convinced me not to kill myself, but that didn't mean I wanted to live. You brought me back to life. Your passion and excitement for life, your kindness, those incredible eyes, that gorgeous smile..."

She beamed one at him with her eyes tearing up.

"Like that. I felt things again other than emptiness and death. Since you've been here, none of that has changed. Yes, I'm miserable. I don't know how long that will be the case. But I've had more enjoyable moments the last two weeks than I probably had the prior two years. You've pulled me back from the ledge again. Everything you did for me then, you are doing now. And if you want to try to keep doing it, I won't stop you."

Sam just stared at him, touched deeply by what he told her.

Jack walked up to her and kissed her softly on the lips. After a few seconds he broke it.

"I love you. No matter what happens, good or bad, just remember that."

"I know, Jack. I love you too," she replied, her eyes retaining the earlier moisture, though she fought to keep herself from shedding anymore tears on this vacation.

"I'll see you soon. Have a safe trip."

"Bye, Jack."

...

Jack watched Sam pull away from his cabin and drive off and pondered the events of the last two weeks. It appeared that Sam did it again, put a spark of life in him when he thought there was nothing left in him to ignite. When she showed up, he just wanted her to leave, to let him brood in his misery until he grew the balls to end it for good this time.

But she didn't deserve his anger, and he didn't have the energy to be the bastard that he apparently needed to be to get rid of her. Instead, he opened up and showed her everything, the miserable, despicable mess of a man that she claimed to love. Surely, he thought, that would run her off. Who the hell could love someone like that? Even Kishar knew that. But she stayed the whole time. She put up with his crap, shed tears over his pain, and finally got him to enjoy things again. He had no idea how she managed to do that.

Now, he had to figure out what to do next. He didn't really want to die anymore. If Sam meant everything that she said, he could even know what it was to be happy again one day. But did he deserve to be happy? Did he even deserve to live? Of course not. But Sam deserved to be happy, and from what she told him, he could do that for her. He didn't believe it for a second, but who was he to argue with a genius like her? Or was he just making excuses for selfish reasons? Surely she would be happier with someone else.

He sat down on the couch and leaned back while all of this ran through his mind.


	12. Happily Ever After

It was 1800 hours, and Sam had just gotten home from the mountain. It was the first day that she had been able to be home at a decent hour in too long. SG-1 just returned from a tough mission a couple of days ago, and then Sam was needed to study the device they brought back with them. She looked forward to relaxing for an evening.

Her thoughts drifted to Jack. It had been a few days since she spoke to him, and she hoped he was doing ok. Over the past several weeks, since she got back from Minnesota, they talked regularly on the phone. At first, she was the one calling him. Then he started calling her. It sounded like he might be getting back to normal. Or at least better than he was.

She planned on calling him since she had the opportunity tonight. She was surprised by how much she missed him. Out of nowhere, she thought about what would have happened if she had married Pete. First of all, Jack might not even be alive right now. If he was, she doubted that he would have spoken to her very often, if ever again. She shuddered at the notion and was grateful that she snapped out of her stupidity before it was too late.

She went to the kitchen to grab something to drink when she heard a knock on the door. She went to answer and opened the door to Jack O'Neill in khakis and his leather jacket. He looked nothing like the man she saw at the cabin. There was life in his eyes and color in his cheeks. He even had a small smirk on his face as she stared at him.

"Hi, Sam. Can I come in? Or is this a bad time?'"

"No, it's fine. Hi, Jack, come in."

He stepped in the door and pulled her into a tight hug.

"I'm glad you're here, but how did you know I would be? I haven't been home for days."

"I asked Hank to call me when things slowed down for you guys."

"You know General Landry?"

"I recommended him, and I've known him for a long time. How is he doing running the show?"

"It's been ok. I'm still getting used to it."

"Good. I doubt you've eaten yet, you hungry?"

"Yeah, I could eat."

"Excellent. I ordered some Chinese, it should be here soon. I didn't figure you would feel up to going out anywhere your first night home in a while."

She stood there and considered him for a moment. Here was this man who had been through more hell than anyone else could even contemplate, let alone survive. He came to see her, knew she would be tired from work, and took into account her comfort and needs. And they weren't even dating. She didn't know what the hell they were doing.

With Pete, when she got back from a long mission, he would just complain about her job and wanted to take the opportunity to go out on the town, her feelings on the matter be damned. She wondered how long it would be before she was over the humiliation of her foolish decisions.

She got up on her toes and kissed him quickly on the lips.

"Thanks, Jack. That sounds great."

...

Jack ended up staying in Colorado for a while, and he and Sam would spend time together when she wasn't at the SGC. They started going out more until one day, he realized that they were dating, even though they never really spoke about it. He supposed that made his decision for him. Although really, it was made when he came back to the Springs to visit her in the first place. He had been happier the last few weeks than any time in recent memory. He figured that if someone like Sam wanted to be around him, then there must be something redeeming about him. Besides at this point, it would probably hurt Sam pretty badly if he pulled back to die in solitude at the cabin. He knew all about heartbreak and wouldn't be the one to do that to her.

Tonight they were just going to eat and have a drink at a casual place just outside of town, so all he needed to do was throw on a black, long sleeved shirt, pair of jeans, and his leather jacket. He tried fruitlessly to tame his wild hair with his hand, and headed out to the truck.

...

Meanwhile, Sam was getting ready for Jack to pick her up and was deep in thought. She had seen him several times a week since his first visit, and found that she couldn't get enough of him. She had always known that he was smarter than he let on, but talking in depth to him, she discovered he was probably as intelligent as she was. He really was a genius, and for the first time she allowed herself to consider just what kind of trouble they would have been in had they not saved him from Kishar. It was no wonder she nearly took over the System Lords in the matter of a few weeks after gaining his knowledge.

Until the other day, their relationship had been a bit of a mystery to her. Since clearing the air at the cabin, things had been more or less platonic, with the exceptions of some lingering kisses or longing glances. But then they started going out more often, there were more kisses, more touches. Jack with more smiles on his face.

A couple of nights ago, they went dancing. She didn't even know he knew how to dance, but she shouldn't have been surprised by anything anymore. She thought she had gotten to know everything about him but soon realized that she could probably spend the rest of her life learning new things about the man and still not have enough time to get all of it. When he picked her up that evening, she saw the desire in his eyes as he perused her appearance. When he dropped her off, the kiss was certainly not platonic. She decided that if he was ready for more, she was more than happy to oblige. She had something in mind for tonight, and it didn't involve going out. She was wearing a light blue top, a bit lower cut that she would normally wear, and an off white skirt. She put on a little extra make up, checked her hair one more time, and was satisfied with her appearance.

When she heard the knock on the door, she went to answer it. She opened it and watched Jack eye her from top to bottom. She stepped aside to let him in the house.

"Hey, Sam. You ready?"

"Oh, yeah."

She grabbed the back of his head and pulled him into an intense kiss, shoving her tongue into his mouth. He was stunned for a moment before he responded furiously, battling her tongue for dominance, his hands pulling her tight against his body.

"So no dinner tonight?" he asked when they broke for air.

"Maybe later," she mumbled against his lips while she pulled his shirt off over his head.

Jack then reached down and lifted her up, and she wrapped her arms around his neck as he carried her to her bedroom.

A while later, they were lying on her bed sweaty and sated, Sam's head resting on top of Jack's chest, her blonde hair tickling his face.

"Oh, God, we should have done that a long time ago," Sam said breathlessly while she continued to recover.

"I wouldn't have objected, though it's probably better that we waited."

"I suppose. I love you, Jack. So much."

He gave her a soft smile and brought his head up to kiss her.

"You have no idea how happy I am that we're finally here like this," she told him with moisture building in the corners of her eyes.

"Oh, I have an idea. I love you too, Sam. And thank you."

"Thank me?"

"For being here. For pulling me back. For saving me again."

"Always."


End file.
